Unfortunately I’m not talking about phat funky basslines today.
No, it’s the other type of baseline, meaning your ‘natural’ state’, or your physiological default as a person. Because if you’re like me, your baseline has more adrenalin than most.
When I spoke to a psychologist about it, he told me it was the product of growing up in a high-stress environment. This was news to me because I always assumed that my childhood was idyllic. But when I thought back, my parents did argue all the time, and I did have a lot of problems with my relationship with my Dad.
So yeah, perhaps it was stressful. And perhaps that was what led to my body thinking that stress was normal, and always returning to that level of alert.
Whatever made me the way I am (which is, if we listen to the most recent studies and arguments by certain psychologists, both sociological, cognitive and genetic in origin) it fucking sucks sometimes.
I wake up and everything is sweet. Then slowly, I feel my CPU start-up and adrenalin starts edging its way up again. It’s like one part of me is adding chemicals, and the other part of my brain is ‘hang on why are we getting hyped?’.
Then my brain starts to look for reasons.
Is something wrong at work? Did I say something wrong to someone last night? Am I going to die soon? What did I forget about that might turn up soon to bite me on the arse?
I have to do my homework. I have to think my way out, or not think at all.
It’s shit. Anxiety is shit. But that’s what we live with.
I’m not posting as much, but I’ve decided that what I post from now on will just be raw stuff. It’s better that way. It’s selfish really, spewing out stuff. But that’s what I would want to read.
There is no conclusion to this post.
Just that if you feel my vibe, fight the good fight. And I salute you.